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In my past I’ve had a lot of failed relationships. I was never able to understand why these relationships failed until I took a closer look at myself. I realized that I was seeking approval and love from my partner, before I found it within myself. I was looking for something from someone else that only I could give myself. The more I realized the importance of finding validation within me, I begin to take steps to love myself more fully. Flaws and all.

If we don’t have an adequate amount of self love, we’ll likely search for it somewhere outside ourselves. There’s nothing wrong with seeking love from others. Seeking ourselves, or our sense of self-worth in that love, is the problem.

Love must first come from within. No matter how much others praise, love or admire us, unless we feel that way on the inside, we’ll end up rejecting their love. If we don’t love ourselves, it’s hard for us to imagine how anyone else can love us.

How can we cultivate love within us? Just as we show our loved ones regular acts of love, we too need to show ourselves loving actions.

In India, they have a practice called a puja. A puja is a devotion to the gods. It can be an offering of food, incense, flowers, or a prayer, anything that can be interpreted as a sign of love. We can also use a puja or act of devotion, to show ourselves love. Remember, love is a verb.

Here are some suggestions for making a puja to yourself:

1. Go on a self-date.

Spend some time alone with yourself. Don’t think about what you need to do the next day or the cleaning up you need to do around the house. Just be fully in the moment and enjoy yourself.

Here are a few suggestions:

• Take yourself out to a movie. Be adventurous and pick a movie you wouldn’t normally see. You might be surprised at how much you enjoy the change of pace.
• Go to lunch at your favorite restaurant, sit and people watch.
• Go to a local caf� and bring a good book with you. Enjoy a cup of chai or tea and just relax.

2. Journal.

• Write a gratitude journal entry. List all of the things you’re grateful for in your life. Try going beyond the obvious thing such as your job, your house and your car. Are you grateful for your breath, existence, love, the sun, your mistakes?
• Let go. Take a moment to list all the mistakes you’ve made and forgive yourself for them. What are some of the things others have done to wrong you? List them and forgive them.
• Achievements and success. What are some of your greatest achievements? What are you most proud of in your life? We have a tendency to focus more on our shortcomings then our success. It’s important that we recognize our achievements and celebrate our success.

3. Do something special for someone else. This may sound opposite to all the other advice here, but we often feel the best about ourselves when we do something selflessly for others.

4. Go for a drive, blare your music. Simple, yet wonderful.

5. Buy yourself a trinket. Or an ice cream cone, or an ice cream cone trinket. The focus isn’t on spending money, it’s about doing something special for yourself.

6. Get outside. Go for a long walk or bike ride to a nearby caf� or just around your neighborhood. This is my personal favorite, it helps me clear my head and gain perspective in my life. I also like to go for presence walks, where the only thing I’m focused on is the present moment. You’ll think you’ve never seen a flower before.

6. Turn off the lights and light some candles, burn some incense if you’re inclined. Drink a glass of wine, coffee, or tea, read a good book, or watch a good movie. Look at old photographs and reminisce.

7. Sing to your plants. Just kidding (or am I?)

8. Give yourself the spa treatment. We don’t have to go to the spa to find relaxation; we can create it in our own home. Here are a few examples:

• Aroma therapy. Take a ceramic cup and pour some hot water in it. Now put 2-3 drops of essential oil such as peppermint, lavender or jasmine in your water. Put a tower over your head, forget everything and just breathe.
• Take a mini-vacation. Close your eyes and imagine yourself anywhere you’d like to be in the world. Imagine the most calming relaxing place. Go online and use pictures if it helps you. The point is to bring yourself into a state of relaxation.

I hope you enjoy these simple suggestions for making a puja to yourself.

What do you do to show yourself love?

Related articles:

• How to Love Yourself in 17 Ways
• The Secret to Self Love

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Pick The Brain just hit publish on a guest post I did for them.

“One simple fact divides effective and ineffective people: effective people spend the majority of their time working on important rather than urgent things.

Have you ever felt like you spend a lot of time being really busy, but at the end of the day you don�t feel like you�ve really accomplished anything? I�ve felt this way on many occasions…”

Check it out here: Important vs. Urgent: 5 Ways to Focus On What Really Matters

If you like it, please consider digging it. =)

  2 comments

photo by carf

Life can become very hectic at times and it’s easy to lose sight of what is truly important. With the ups and downs of day-to-day life, our emotions can take us on a roller coaster ride. When things are going our way and our expectation are met, we feel good. But when we lose focus and stumble off our path it’s hard not to let our frustration get the best of us.

Regardless of the valleys and hills of life, we can remain centered by using gratitude as a tool. It’s hard to be focused on all the negative aspects of your life while feeling grateful. The same applies to being grateful for people. It’s hard to think about the shortcoming of others when you’re focused on how grateful you are for them.

Gratitude helps us re-center ourselves when we’re feeling stuck and unsatisfied with our lives. It helps us gain perspective.

The real question is, how can we develop a constant state of gratitude? If gratitude becomes a habit, we’re likely to feel more joy, be at peace and have a greater enjoyment for life. In order to make an “attitude of gratitude” a habit, the most important thing is that our gratitude is independent of our circumstances.

If our gratitude is only focused on the constant ebb and flow of life, we’ll likely be incredibly grateful when things are going well. But as soon as our circumstances change, we leave ourselves open to disappointment and frustration. This is the type of gratitude that often start with “at least”; “at least I have a place to stay,” “at least I have clothes on my back,” or “at least I have a job.” This type of gratitude is a struggle to find contentment when you’re really not that happy about your life. You’re just trying to look on the bright side.

To really make gratitude a habit, we need to move to a deeper level of thankfulness. This means being grateful for things that are independent of your current position such as; existence, your breath, love, your mistakes and failures, emotions, the universe.

When we move to this level of gratitude, we may still be thankful for the things in our life, but now we’re thankful for life itself. Now we’re encompassing every facet of our lives, including the ups and downs, highs and lows. We’re no longer just thankful that we’re getting by, we’re thankful that we are alive. In this way, our gratitude is no longer dependent or attached to our position.

We don’t have to rely on things to make us grateful, because we’ve moved beyond things. Instead of trying to be grateful for things, we’re now grateful to just be.

Here are a few ways to help you make gratitude a part of your life:

1. Create rituals to remember your gratitude.

This is probably my favorite of all the methods I’ve found for cultivating gratitude. When I walk in the door to my home after work I like to silently think to myself “how wonderful it is to be home, how grateful I am to have this space where I can express myself and cultivate my creativity.”

Another great ritual to make is to make a habit of silently listing all the things you’re grateful for as soon as you wake up. I find it’s best to do this before I get out of bed. I know I’m not the only one that has a difficult time getting out of bed, so this really helps me to start my day with a feeling of joy and gratitude. This same practice can be applied at night as well and can have a great effect on your quality of sleep and dreams.

2. Journal about what you’re grateful for.

When we journal about what we’re thankful for, we’re moving our thoughts to the material. This can be a powerful process and allows us to physically see the abundance in our lives.

3. Use a gratitude rock.

Find a nice smooth rock that feels good when you hold it. Now name this rock your “gratitude rock.” Put in your pocket or purse and carry it around with you wherever you go. Whenever you reach in your pocket and feel it, remember what you’re grateful for.

You can also use any other object you like, or even a color. Whenever I see the color green it reminds me of gratitude for life and the earth. Perhaps yours is the sky. Whatever is personal and has meaning to you is most important.

If we’re simply grateful for life itself, we can be thankful even when we have nothing. Our gratitude is rooted in the permanent and not ever-changing landscape of our lives.

If we can find a way to have gratitude in each moment, our lives will improve dramatically. Begin each day and live each moment in gratitude. Watch your life transform.

If you enjoyed this article, please digg, stumble or share with one of the other links below. Thank you for your support, it is truly appreciated.

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The biggest factor in determining the quality of our relationship is the way we view other people, particularly our partner. There are many books, seminars and couples retreats that are designed to help you improve your relationship. But is there something we can possibly learn from treating our partner the way we treat our dog?

This advice might sound a little unusual, but just go with me for a second.

We accept our dog unconditionally, because we know they’re a dog. We don’t expect them to be what they’re not, because they’re completely authentic. Acceptance is the greatest gift you can give to a person (or a dog) because it’s the greatest sign of respect. Respect builds trust and without trust there is no relationship.

Here are 5 lessons we can learn from our furry friends:

1. Accept your partner just as he or she is.

We accept our pets just as they are, we don’t expect them to be anything else. If our dog does something we don’t like, we may get upset and reprimand them, but we almost immediately forgive them. We think, “well, after all they’re just a dog” or “they’re just being natural.”

Dogs don’t try to be something that they’re not. They are completely authentic. They react to their environment and their natural instincts. Because we know this, we accept them.

If we can learn to accept our partner just as they are, our relationships will transform miraculously. Accepting your partner completely is the biggest sign of respect you can give them. It means you love and respect them enough to know they’re making their decisions based on what they know is right. That doesn’t mean you can’t offer them support and guidance, but you don’t find them guilty for not being who you think they should be. After all, they’re not you; they are themselves.

2. People, like dogs, react better to reward than punishment.

When we pick out all the things we don’t like about our dog, we’re focusing only on the negative. When we constantly punish them for being who they are, we’re telling them it’s not okay to be who they are. This only creates feelings of guilt and resentment.

It works the same way with our partners. When we focus on all the negative things about them, we’re sending them a subliminal message: we don’t think it’s okay for them to be who they are. People often defend themselves by saying something like “I only try to help them because I care” or “I just love them so much that I want to make them better.” But this type of behavior simply leads a person to feel like they’re constantly being rejected. They’re never good enough.

If we instead focus on the positive attributes of the other person, we send them a message of acceptance. When a person knows that we respect them enough to accept them as they are, they’ll also be more likely to take our criticism and guidance. People need to know that you see their strengths first, before their flaws.

3. Love comes from within first, with out second.

Our dogs may seek our approval, love and acceptance, but they don’t rely on it. They have their own sense of joy, playfulness and love that comes from within. They enjoy our company and love, but their sense of self doesn’t come from it.

When our sense of self comes from our partner, we leave ourselves vulnerable to the ups and downs of the relationship. When our partner acts in a loving way, we feel good. But when our partner is unloving, we feel down. This is because our source of love is rooted with out, not within.

When we find love from within ourselves first, we have a much greater capacity to give it. We’re not relying on our partner to give it to us.
This also makes it much easier to love our partner when they are not so loving towards us.

4. Be compassionate, but don’t be a doormat.

Often people have a hard time drawing the line between when to show compassion and when to show tough love. I think this conflict is due to a misunderstanding. Sometimes tough love is the greatest sign of compassion. We all know when something is not good for someone, in our own hearts. This isn’t the kind of judgment that’s just based on our own opinion of the right way to do things. It’s more based on knowing when a habit is something that is unhealthy.

For example, say your partner is a smoker. Obviously, you know this is an unhealthy habit and could have serious and negative consequences if they don’t change. Expressing your concern in this case doesn’t mean you’re coming down on them. It comes from a place of love and genuine concern. You may not want to criticize them, but confrontation and letting them know where you stand is necessary. This is a greater sign of love and compassion than ignoring the problem because you don’t want to seem like a nag. In fact, ignoring it — whether we want to believe it or not — is really just a kind of silent approval.

Sometimes you have to give your partner tough love, just like you would your pet. You may not want to make them feel bad, but it will really benefit them in the long run.

5. Forgive and forget.

When our pet does something wrong and we lose our temper, they naturally feel ashamed, as though they let us down. They might resent us for a while, because in their mind they didn’t know any better. But they forgive much more quickly then we humans tend to.

We humans, on the other hand, have a powerful memory and tend to take things personally. We have a feeling of personal importance; that whatever “they” did it must be about me. But usually, it wasn’t about you at all. It was about them. Whatever someone does to hurt you, it really has nothing to do with you. It was their beliefs, opinions and feelings that caused them to react the way they did. It’s easy to see this when you know that the more emotional security and self-esteem you have, the less likely you are to take offense to others wrongs. On the other hand, the more emotional baggage you carry around, the more likely you’ll take offense to others actions. In psychology, this is what we call projection.

This whole way of thinking stems from personal importance and trying to live up to an image of perfection that we have in our minds. We think that we should be a certain way, but we know we aren’t. So we find ourselves guilty and punish ourselves. We play the game of the judge and the victim constantly in our minds. Because we do this so much with ourselves, we naturally do this with others. We don’t know any better.

Dogs on the other hand are completely authentic. They know that they are a dog and they accept it. They don’t try to be something they’re not and they don’t expect you to be something you’re not. That’s why it’s so easy for your dog to forgive you when you do something wrong. If there’s one thing we can learn from our canine friends, it is forgiveness.

Sofie Aiko, my 2 year old Shih Tzu has taught me a lot about the perfect relationship. It’s based on unconditional acceptance. She loves me just the way I am, as long as I play with her and take her potty, she thinks I’m an angel. As long as she doesn’t steal my food (she has a thing for croissants) or bite my foot, then we usually get along.

She doesn’t have many expectations of me and I don’t for her. She may get on my nerves when she wines at the foot of the stairs for what seems like hours, but I soon forgive her. I know she’s just being herself and wants her daddy to wake up and play with her. And if I don’t play with her, she doesn’t take it personally; she just goes and does her own thing. Most likely chewing her bone or playing with spider.

A grain of salt.

This guide isn’t meant to be taken completely literally.  Obviously there are some big differences between romantic relationships and the relationships you have with a pet.  Also, a lot of people assume master/servant roles (you decide which is which, with cats it can get confusing =P), which shouldn’t be applied to human or romantic relationships.  Some people see their pets as their children as well, some people are abusive to their pets.  These are two more examples where you shouldn’t translate the your pet relationship to your relationship with your partner.

Most importantly, we should take this advice with a grain of salt and take away the lessons of forgiveness and acceptance .  If we can apply this to our personal relationships, we can see there’s a lot to be learned from our humble friends.

If you enjoyed this article, please digg, stumble or share with one of the other links below. Thank you for your support, it is truly appreciated.

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I thought you guys might be interested in my guest post at Dumb Little Man:

11 Ways to Improve Your Health You (probably) Haven’t Heard Of

I wanted to expand a little beyond the common ways people normally cite to improve your health. We all know diet, exercise, plenty of water and a good nights rest can do wonders for your health. But if you want to go beyond just the norm?

Neti pots, skin brushing and Tai Chi walking are just a few of the examples I talk about. Check it out here.

  2 comments