Subscribe5 Signs Self-Help Is Ruining Your Life
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photo by Jill
People seek self-help for a reason, to help themselves, duh. But like all good things, self improvement has it’s disadvantages. Some people take it too far. Instead of improving their lives, they become delusional.
1. Tony the Tiger… err Robbins
Before I got into personal development, I always thought of people like Tony the Tiger.. I mean Tony Robbins and Richard Simmons as the epitome of self improvement. I guess like many people, I confused self improvement with motivational speakers.
Don’t get me wrong, I like Tony Robbins, I think he’s a great guy and I’m sure he’s helped a lot of people out. But it’s just not my style.
The whole chest pounding, firewalking thing always threw me off. I understand the idea is to get pumped up, but can’t you do that without burning your feet to a crisp? Also, is that really sustainable? If I have to walk on hot coals everyday just to find motivation, something is probably wrong with my life.
These are also the people that remain positive under any circumstances.
Volcano eruption? The heat will help you sweat and detoxify.
Hurricane? Now I don’t have to wash my car.
Earthquake caused a gaping hole in the middle of your house? We could make a swimming pool!
Denial Anyone?
2. Productivity is the opiate of the masses.
There are certain things you must do. This includes things you need to do to not die and stay out of prison.
Some people just have a problem with these things and turn to productivity gurus for help. But it can often be taken overboard. When you can’t enjoy yourself without doing something productive, you have a problem.
3. Self Improvement is your drug of choice
There’s nothing wrong with ferociously pursuing personal development and new contexts. The problem is when “improving” has become more of a drug than means to an end.
Some signs of this deadly illness may include:
- Lack of friends, social life, or connection to the outside world
- Improving has become more important than living
- Spending half your day reading lists such as “4,000 motivation hacks” and “12 ways to super power ultra charge your brain” but can’t recite a single sentence from any of them.
4. Hacking your life is more important than living it
Some of your favorite conversations include: a new method for color coding your to do list (purple is uber urgent, black is ninja important!), how you turned your watch into a fork slash writing utensil slash stapler, and how to turn your dishwasher into a plasma tv.
You also think that hacking your life includes using cashew butter instead of peanut butter on a jelly sandwich, using a clothes iron to make grilled cheese, and hacking your sweatshirt.
Although I do have to admit, if I could pull off the sweatshirt hack without looking extremely flamboyant, I might give it a go.
5. Um, it’s your turn. Move.
Imagine you aspire to be grandmaster chess player. You study the game, your read books, you watch other masters play. You’re so engrossed with learning and improving your game, you never actually play. You’re just stuck on “what’s next.”
When you’re so gung-ho on improving, it can be easy to lose sight of the reason for it in the first place: to make life better. But if you’re just preparing to live and not actually living, what’s the point?
Some honorable mentions were…
Not being able to feel good about yourself without listening to a tape of “Because I’m special and I’m worth it” and the guy that thinks Lao Tzu was a Zen master.
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17 Comments so far
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You’re right - some people take “self-help” to the extreme. I think the whole self-help genre in general is a good thing, and has helped a lot of people (speakers, classes, blogs, books, whatever) - but as you said, when consuming all this self help “stuff” becomes more important than, I don’t know, actually TRYING some of the things you’ve read and LIVING your life - it just becomes kind of useless.
I think if people paced themselves more, and didn’t just take in every personal development/productivity/self-help article/book/blog they could get their hands on and took time to pick out something that speaks to them, digest it, and APPLY it, maybe they’d see some real changes in their lives.
(that sentence was waaay too long)
I think it’s important to be productive and do the things that need to get done (things that keep food on the table, etc), but you’re right, if someone doesn’t know how to RELAX or take a day off and veg out - yeah, that’s a problem. I’ve had that problem. Over consumption of self-help “stuff” can be a self-control issue, just like shopping too much, eating too much, etc…. and unfortunately a lot of great information goes right over people’s heads once they’ve buried themselves in a sea of 3-day workshops and top 10 lists.
The one that really sets me off is ‘The Secret’. I read half the book then watched the movie with my dad. The ideas in the book are pretty cool but people need to start taking credit for their accomplishments instead of attributing their successes to a book.
Worst part about self-help and motivational speakers is someone is making a lot of money off of the unstable and weak minded.
So true! Self-improvement definitely has to be the means, not the end itself.
Over on the spiritual development side of things, we have our own delusional types. My least favorites are the “I’m too enlightened to deal with money” and the “If I intend it, I won’t actually have to ever do anything” people! And then there’s the “I’m more evolved than you, look at how much I meditate” types …
Blessings,
Andrea
You are right I never liked self help people either. Well I like you and StevePavlina. I listened to this guy called Larry Winget. Hes kinda kool but looks like a jackass in his crocodile boots, “he has over 200 pair even pink ones”. The message is always good but never seems realistic to normal people. Who gets up ready to walk on coals and glass etc its ridiculous. So thanks for being real, real about drugs real about life and marriage etc. Those are whats important relating to the people who read your blogs, not going off on some wild tangent about the same thing over and over. Keep it real.-=ro2
Mmmm…I don’t agree, Jonathan.
It’s true that on the fringes, self-development has turned into a cult - and a great money-spinner.
But there is also a middle ground which I prefer to call ‘personal growth’. Because I think we can grow and change. I know that from personal experience. At one time of my life when I was heavily into karate, the sharp edge of my character was to the fore - and I extremely focussed, but not very kind.
After I became a Blackbelt, became immersed in Zen practice, and trained as a psychotherapist, I began to change. Now, a chunk of life later, friends see me as a kind, patient person. That’s what personal growth has done for me.
The best self-help is when you help yourself. I think too many on the self-help speaking circuit are so engrosed in themselves and the showmanship of their act, that the meaning of why people have come in the first place is lost.
A lot of self-help guru’s promise too much. They promise instant big life altering changes if you follow their methods. In reality it’s the small “tweaks” we make to our lives that have the biggist long-term impact.
Take the tradition of making New Years Resolutions on January 1st. To be honest very few keep them because the change is too great to manage in one go. There’s a much greater chance of success however if you break your goal down into small steps and work on each in turn over the coming year than trying and do everything from the word go.
Self improvement is a journey that is best taken in small, gradual and easily-managable steps.
It’s true that some people go for personal development workshops but not do a thing after that. They are just addicted to the adrenarlin rush while attending it. But there is much personal work to be done after that.
I am an advocate of using self help techniques for personal transformation. It’s one thing to talk and understand that one needs to change but what about the application? To know the techniques ourselves is self empowerment. I share many of these tips and strategies of how various methods and techniques have helped me on my site. Transformation is definitely faster, when one is equipped with the right tools.
Evelyn
Bravo, Bravo the crowd screams emphatically! People become self help addicts because they lack ACTION in their lives!People put their belief in the messenger instead of believing the message and taking action.You are right Self help can ruin someone’s life! How? Because they become dependent on the words of someone else instead of listening to that small voice inside of them.Not even a child can commit to a life of dependency! There has to be a point in all of our lives when we will pave our own road, run our own race, and build our own castle! Check out this post http://disciplineyourself.com/blog/2008/06/22/look-inside/
I do believe motivation and self help is needed, because living a successful lifestyle has to be learned. No one is born with a map instead we must be guided and directed, that”s why we have parents, teachers, and mentors along the way. Yet for the person who has never had anyone, a motivational speaker is the next best thing! Love the post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Iron sharpens iron, and words inspire words.
Couldn’t you say that you’re being productive by relaxing?
I usually find myself lost in all the self help garbage out there and have to take a step back. Moving all that stuff out of my grasp just puts me more at ease and in the mood to improve myself by… myself.
Your list really put it into perspective for me though. I never thought about how much of a waste it is to try to cram in as much as you can, rather than find a few good ones and stick with them. Thanks.
Your description in number 4 is so funny you really had me laughing. Glad to have found your blog. It looks great!
That skirt is really a sweatshirt?
For some reason I think that information will be valuable in an emergency, even though I’m a guy.
When you’re spending money to listen to tapes where someone else talks about their experiences instead of just experiencing them yourself, self help is ruining your life.
I’m all for growing and learning, but at some point, you’ve got to try to put it in action, even if you fall on your face. And an amen to the idea that it’s okay to do nothing–it’s time well wasted.
Ha, nice article Jonathan. I liked how you stated the truth when it came to how you feel about Tony Robbins. I think he’s a great guy…
Favorite line: If I have to walk on hot coals everyday just to find motivation, something is probably wrong with my life. I like how you called out self-improvement.
I saw that this article was tagged with “sarcasm” - but a lot of things you stated were the truth. Definitely entertaining to read and I noticed your blog is coming along nicely.
Keep up the good work man.
4 Mind 4 Life
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Dude, I totally dig your stuff, even though productivity is a key brick in the wall of my career. The important piece is that my wall also has a lot of other bricks… joy, simplicity, quiet, fun, choice and confidence to name a few. Thanks for another great post Jonathon.
~Monica
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