“Write down your goals.” The age old advice you’ll hear on every self-development blog. As if you just write them down, everything else will take care of itself.
Poof!
Life is complete and you can rest in peace.
Not quite.
I don’t really have a lot of goals. In fact, I make it a point to not have them because they make me miserable. That doesn’t mean I don’t aim and aspire to do awesome things. I do. Life wouldn’t be worth living without that. It’s just that I don’t have a goal sheet. I don’t have a list of achievements I want to make in the next 3 months, 6 months, or 5 years.
Why?
Because goals have hurt me more than they’ve helped.
If you’re anything like me, you want to do a lot. You don’t dream tiny. You dream big. Really big.
You-want-it-all.
And there’s nothing wrong with that. The problem is that too often we get our goals caught up in who we are. If we don’t achieve them, we’re a failure. I’ve certainly felt like this. When I started this blog I made a goal to get 2,000 subscribers in one month. I didn’t reach that goal. It felt terrible. Not because I failed. On the contrary, I achieved a lot. I felt miserable because I put my sense of self worth in the accomplishment of a thing.
So instead of goals, I try to live based on principles. I try to live in alignment with what I value most. Instead of having unrealistic and fantastic goals, I have aspirations and dreams instead.
While goals seem nice and pretty on the outside, not so nice on the inside. You think they’ll help you. After all, isn’t the point of having goals to help you create a better life?
But exactly the opposite happens. They end up owning you.
You measure how much you’ve done to meet your goals. You usually shoot for the moon. You aim high when you set your goals and that’s a good thing right? The problem is you usually fall short. Then you punish yourself for not achieving everything you wanted to. Your mind thinks “if you don’t achieve this, if you don’t live up to this image of perfection, you’re not allowed to be happy.”
That’s ridiculous.
I’ve lived too long like that and I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t let seemingly positive things force me to walk around unhappy all the time because I’m falling short. It’s not worth it.
So as I said earlier, instead of goals I have ideals that I try to live by. I value certain things like family, freedom, fitness, and creativity. As long as I’m doing things that keep me in alignment with those things, I’m happy. I don’t have a goal to become more creative by reading 7 books next month. I don’t have a goal to run 6 miles a day. Because if I don’t, I’ll inevitably beat myself up. I failed. My ego gets wrapped up in it and I obsess over it.
Just like I’ve decided being lazy is better for me, I’ve decided to give up on goals.
I’ve also found a few other seemingly counterintuitive things work better for me:
- I’ve stopped caring a lot.
- I’ve learned that doing more doesn’t usually bring me more happiness. But doing less does.
- I’ve learned that doing “what works” doesn’t really work for me.
- I’ve learned that constantly trying to improve your life, can often make it worse.
I’ve learned that taking it easy and following your natural rhythms is much more important than productivity. What matters most is how much joy you’re currently experiencing in the present moment. If you’re putting off your happiness until you accomplish something, you’re failing at life.
We can’t wait to appreciate things another day. Our happiness cannot be determined by a to-do list or the achievement of goals.
I’ve stopped making goals because I often find myself living in the future. I’m so obsessed with completing the goal, it often makes the task a chore. I just want to finish it. I lose sight of why I’m doing it in the first place, to have a better life.
I’ve also stopped (as much as I can, it’s not easy) having expectations. That doesn’t mean I don’t put forth any effort to make things good, I do. I’m just not attached the outcome. If things don’t turn out the way I wanted them to, I’ll naturally get disappointed and start going on an emotional rollercoaster. It’s better to do what you can and let things happen as they will.
What do you think? Are goals getting in the way of your happiness? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.
(PS: If goals are working for you, that’s awesome. They work better for some than others. For me, they get in the way.)
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I’m happy to hear that goals don’t work for everyone. I try to set goals, but I find that they typically make me more frustrated than anything. I want so badly to succeed, but when I try to force something that’s not right for me, I find it futile. It’s when I set an intention and then let go of it that things tend to start to come together.
If you want to make God laugh, just tell him your plans(goals).
Just stumbled on this via a link from Zen Habits, and I liked your thought “living on principles instead of living on goals.” I’d love to see an article elaborating on that and how to make it work.
‘Setting and Achieving’ goals is a skill, and people whom you see as successful people are artists of this skill.
Killing cluttered goals ,is like rebooting your computer because you opened many programs in a way your pc can’t handle. What are you going to do after reboot is up to you.
I love this post. I used to think my life was a jumble because I didn’t have goals. After reading this post, I’ve realized that after 44 years going without goals, I’m obviously not a goal person, and that’s okay.
So here’s what I’m going to do; detail the checklists of the projects I want to complete – mostly stuff around the house – and prioritize them.
Also, I will write a list of things I need or want to change about myself or my life, and detail and prioritize them as well.
Sort of a bastardized New Year’s resolution list, but with prioritization, organization, flexibility and focus.
KISS – keep it simple, stupid. Goals are not simple. Enjoying life is.
Thanks Jonathan. I believe there’s no evil with goal-setting. It’s just that we fail especially when we least expected. Because we made ourselves victims of expectations rather than accepting things for the better. Goals are friends, sometimes it looks as enemies to many once they fail. But even failures are not enemies, they are springboards toward success. And success is not a good idea from the start. It needs to face the giants and overcome it. Our perspective has something to do with it. The way we treat failures spell our success. Many times I fail and almost lose my hope and faith to death. However, I changed my values.I learned how to retreat but not surrender.I never quit until I killed the giants. Failures become my friends. I learned this way of thinking from my life-coaching mentor at kamja.Today, tell me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you who you are.
I read a business article once which was referring to business plans, and it said rather being ‘road maps’, “Business plans are best possible guesses as to what will hppen, not maps of some pre existing reality”.
I like this idea and feel it can apply to all goals, it seems to allow more flexibilty on my outlook on life; rather than having rigid goals.
I agree completely.
I found completing and acheiving my goal as a musical artist has got in the way of how i want to live my life, happy.
Ive found myself searching for enjoyment and being left with faliure. My dreams overtake me and i feel that i need to base my life around them other wise theyll never get done. As a result of this i became completely depressed and in many ways still am. But ive learnt to stop caring so much and i am facing more open choices and im being almost attracted by big and exiting things because i feel like thats what i need to pick me up out of this slump, things like guns (not illlegially of course).
This is incredible post. Truly illuminated! Thanks.
It seems to me that your problem wasn’t so much with the goals, it was the impact on not achieving those goals that was the real problem.
I was once like you until someone send me a quote along the lines of ‘Dreaming big like a child while LIVING HAPPY UNTIL THE DREAM IS ACHIEVED is the real secret to life’ (capitalization from my side).
Same thing kinda as what you’re saying however I chose to still have goals and no longer let them control my life. Which, as I write these words is pretty similar to what you have said in your post.
Oh well, seems we’re both happier now that we figured this one out. And that is all that matters.
Enjoy,
Kurt
This is me exactly. I have tried so hard, millions of times to set those goals and have not really ever achieved them, and it makes me miserable. I have lists upon lists upon lists and about 4 different planners. I have thought about “killing” my goals, but couldn’t fully commit, because I thought I “shouldn’t” and I’d get those odd looks from people that seem to say, “what?? are you crazy? you HAVE to have goals!!” I always end up giving them up anyway, because I get too overwhelmed and paralyzed, so nothing gets done anyway. The only time things do get done is when I’ve decided that I’m no longer going to be the perfect speaker of 10 languages or get up right at 5am every morning to be super productive (I’ve never in my life been able to get up much before 7:30 am), or whatever the “goal” is, when I let those go, I tend to do more, and then as I do more, I think I’d better organize it all (in all those planners) and then there I am again, in that cycle of setting goals, driving myself crazy. No more.
Johnathan, you’re awesome for writing this. Thank God I’ve found someone that feels the same as me…now I don’t feel so lame [for no reason].
Around 20 years ago, I was being interviewed for an article about “perpetual students.” Caught off guard by the inevitable question, “What are your goals?” I blurted out, “I think it’s important *not* to have goals,” and gave very similar arguments about tying self-worth to accomplishments. They published a picture of me at work in front of a beautiful display of produce, built by someone else, with a contented smile as if to tell the world, “this I have done!” They captioned it, “Jack Dalton – Important not to have goals.”
Still, 20 years of not having goals has taken me pretty much where you might expect. It was not until less than a year ago that I became acquainted with the notion of simply refusing to rating myself. By rejecting notions of high or low self-esteem in favor of unconditional self-acceptance, I now am able to accommodate “targets” for my projects without fear of letting myself down.
Oh my word. I have the urge to forward this post to a bunch of people and I never get that urge when I read blogs.
I feel freed all of a sudden. I have felt for a while now that goals, or my lack of clear ones, are holding me back. And the fact that my husband doesn’t set goals has really bothered me. I kept thinking that since he doesn’t have any set goals that he doesn’t really know what he wants and that he is going to latch onto mine and not really achieve what he wants out of life. Yet, he always manages to be doing something he enjoys. I see now that he is much more a “living by principles” kind of guy like you.
I also see that just because you set goals (like my parents did and always taught me to do), does NOT mean you will achieve them. My parents are no more successful now than they were when I was younger. They did set certain goals, but didn’t achieve them and I wonder now how that makes them feel.
I was just telling my husband the other day that what I want also seems to change depending on my mood, so it’s hard for me to set clear goals and stick with them. I feel like I’m always revising them. Like you, I want so many thing…I want it all. Maybe I’m not a goal person after all.
Very interesting post. I’m going to go back and read it again and few times. Thanks for the insight.
Just found your blog through Project Mojave – and what a find! :)
I’ll quibble a bit; what you call goals – “get 2,000 subscribers in one month” – I would call targets, something you aim at on the way to a major desire such as “write an authentic, popular blog”.
I do however totally agree that being ruled by a To Do list can suck the joy out of life. I’ve had more success by becoming clear on what I want and then being open to its coming in ways I can’t imagine right now. My job is to stay focused, line up with it and take inspired action at the right time. In the meantime, I only have NOW so I might as well enjoy it :) Real tough to turn that philosphy into a “system” though for people who believe that joy only comes through hard work.
Hi. I just came across your website today, via the Zen Habits web site. I’ve been reading through a few of your articles this morning, and I have to say many of your points really resonated with me. My dream is to free myself from a particularly toxic cubicle existence in order to find a way to apply my research and writing skills in a way that works best for me and makes a positive difference in the world.
I’ve noticed that sometimes setting small manageable goals works for me and sometimes (most times) it doesn’t–especially when I start trying to force things along to meet my expectations/goals. I generally cringe at having to write down my “goals” on performance evaluation forms but then I also detest all of these time management/planning tools that take more time to fill out every day than it takes to just get working on the projects. It seems that most of these “productivity” tools actually subvert and divert energy from actually being productive. Likewise, getting too hung up on achieving one’s goals is ultimately counterproductive and often demoralizing when one falls off the “progress wagon”. Thanks for having the courage to challenge the “conventional wisdom” and offer alternatives for those of us who just don’t quite fit into the existing templates.
Hi Jonathan,
Thoroughly enjoyed your post. I am a huge believer in goals BUT not for goals sake. Earl Nightingale defined success not by a specific outcome but by ‘the progressive realization of a worthy ideal’ (ideal/goal/dream, call it what you will).
To my mind, it is the journey, not the destination that brings feelings of self-worth and, for that matter, happiness. Having goals/dreams just gives you a direction in which to travel rather than the alternative which is drifting aimlessly. Living by a set of values is, I would suggest, about maintaining integrity and self-respect, but this doesn’t negate the need for working towards one’s dreams and aspirations.
I can say, without hesitation, that having goals (and writing them down and reviewing them regularly) had a huge impact on my life. I came across a wonderful little book called ‘It Works’ (anonynous author) which advises readers to write down their goals/dreams, carry them round with them (in say a wallet), and refer to them three times a day (and not to mention them to other people). This focuses the mind and consciousness on the things that matter to us, and this then directs our energy, our resources and our time.
I was very interested on your view of ‘failure’. I believe that one of the biggest obstacles that we all face in life is overcoming the negative perception of failure. Failure is nothing other than a learning experience and we often forget that the most successful people (in virtually any field – sports/business/financial/arts) are people who have learned to embrace failure because they understand that failure is a necessary prerequisite to success.
One other comment I’d like to make relates to your views on ‘expectation’ I think you are confusing ‘hope’ with ‘expectation’. I would refer you to a wonderful book by Professor Dan Ariely ‘Predictably Irrational’ (HarperCollins) who has done a huge amount of research into how our expectations affect not just our perceptions, but also our reality. Whilst I was researching my own book ‘The Flipside’ (Headline), it became apparent that the most vital characteristic seen in people who find the Flipside (i.e. those people who are able to turn a problem/obstacle and even severe adversity into an opportunity) are that they are all optimists. Optimism is defined by Psychologists as ‘the general expectation of good things’. This is contrasted with hope which is attached to a specific outcome and I think you allude – quite rightly – to the dangers of becoming too attached to a specific outcome in your article. But developing an optimistic mindset has been shown to be the most important factor in success in virtually any area of life one cares to mention. (see the work of Professor Martin Seligman on Learned Helplessness and Learned Optimism and how these impact our lives).
My comments are intended only as a personal response some of the points discussed – not criticisms – and I may be wrong and, as you rightly say, things that work for some people may not work for others. Also, if something does work for you, then I completely agree with you – why not use it! I have to say that I found your article to be a refreshing and honest commentary which raises some very important issues and valid points (e.g. learning to be detached from an outcome). It also echoes in some respects the approach of Toaism (not sure if you’ve read The Tao of Pooh but there is a lot in there that will resonate with your thoughts).
Congratulations on putting together a really thought-provoking blog too!
With sincere best wishes,
Adam Jackson
I LOVE setting goals, putting them in writing and attaining them. I bring in each year with a list and generally speaking succeed in many of them and the ones I don’t succeed in, I improve in often. I wonder if it has a lot to do with personality. What works for me wouldn’t work for everyone, obviously, it doesn’t work for you. This was an interesting read and the comments were too. http://valeriedykstra.typepad.com/valerie_dykstra/2009/01/goals-for-2009.html Here are my 2009 goals. I’m rockin’. :-)
This is a great post (just discovered your blog!), and I wish I’d read it years ago. When I was younger I was really into Tony Robbins & similar stuff, and had tons of rigid goals, with my life all mapped out (goals for the next 5 years, 1 year, 6 months, 1 month etc), and a daily schedule for working towards them. I’d be inspired when writing the goals down, but that was actually the only part of the process that I enjoyed – after a few days I’d soon start procrastinating and then feeling like a self-sabotaging failure.
I stopped with the rigid goals a few years ago, but still felt like somehow I ’should’ be living that way, if I wanted to change anything about my life (I’ve got a great life, but there were still things I wanted to do). It’s only more recently that I’ve realised that I don’t want to plan my life to the extent of leaving no room for spontaneity, I don’t want a daily schedule, and I don’t want to spend all my time living for the future while never enjoying life right now. I certainly don’t want my passions to start feeling like chores (which is what was happening).
I still have goals, in the sense of having clear ideas about the things that I desire to be/do/have, but they’re more generalised and, as you say, based around certain values, like health and creativity. I no longer quantify them – no rigid timetables or number/date-based targets – and instead I’ve learned to respect the natural ebb and flow of my energy and inspiration. I take action when it feels most joyful to do so, and enjoy the journey, the sense of living my desires and values right now, today, rather than keeping my attention on some future destination. I’m not knocking the traditional approach to goal setting, as it’s obviously enjoyable and effective for many people, but it didn’t work for me, so I’ve stopped trying to make myself conform to someone else’s idea of the best way to do things. Life is so much more relaxed and fun these days!
Your obsession to reach the ideal is your failure…
It is not an accomplishment to attain 75% of your goal? You aren’t happy with 1,500 subscribers in one month? How do you determine if your values are aligned without more clarification? How do you measure your success rate with your family, your freedom, your fitness, and your creativity?
“Reach for the stars; if you fall short and grab just a few clouds, you may still in fact find that you’ve already fulfilled your dreams.” ~ LH
Yes. I agree with the original post. I’m in high school (I’m graduating in June 2010) and after thinking about these statements, I realize that Jonathan (the author of this article) is right.
I put so much value into getting into AP classes, achieving high grades and test scores that my ego is becoming entrenched with the certification as averse to the “real” joy in learning.
Perhaps this is why I get frustrated during my studies…
Stop Caring For a Better Life? I’m convinced that a good life consists in the balanced acquisition of long-term and short-term values. You seem to abandon the long-term for the short-term. While this might feel good in the present, it certainly will hurt you in the long-run. So I’d prefer to experiment with productivity enhancing visualizations and meta-cognitions to secure and expand everything that is worthwhile having in life if ordinary goal-setting won’t work for you.
I sent my Best Friend this message yesterday:
I wanna talk about EXPECTATIONS. You mentioned that you have all these ideas in your head of exactly what a fun event will be. But, you know what? Of all the things I’ve heard of that make people unhappy, disappointed and frustrated with their lives, expectations have to be Number One. People are disappointed by a great stage show because it wasn’t quite what they expected. People are disappointed when they have a date with someone because he/she didn’t act quite how they expected. People buy an amazing dress for a party or some other major event then take it back to the store next day because when they tried it on in their own bedroom it wasn’t quite what they expected it to look like. You see what I’m saying? All of these things were absolutely FINE in themselves, and the problem is caused by the dissonance between the actuality and the expectation. Expectations are damaging and corrosive. They are unhealthy. They can make people bitter and cynical because everything always falls short of what they hoped for so life is one long series of disappointments.
So what I’m saying is that it’s better to keep your mind as blank as possible about something that’s about to happen. Don’t anticipate it. Don’t picture it. Don’t fantasize about it. Don’t worry about how it might turn out. Switch off your imagination and try to put all of your concentration into ACTIONS rather than creating mental scenarios. Got it?!
When we got down to discussing this, my best friend began to talk about goals and how having all of these goals ahead of her, that had always been a huge part of her life, were like dead weights around her neck, pulling her down and making her discontented, anxious and frustrated.
By a dialectical process we eventually arrived at the conclusion that she should reconfigure her consciousness to end the perception that life is a near-impossible struggle up a near-vertical mountain to reach a near-unattainable peak from which the only possible progression would be downward.
The reconfigured perception is that consciousness is like a journey on a long, long river and the journey continues no matter what you do. Along the way, you have “attachments”, where you share your consciousness with things, whether career moves, hobbies or whatever. But you have to accept that as the journey continues you may become detached from some or all of them.
We talked about Richard S. Fuld and how he had always worked for Lehmann Brothers and finally became CEO and boss of 30,000 people. He speculated that he must have felt that he had achieved all of his career goals and was now in a kind of Nirvana because he had no intention of leaving and there was nowhere higher he could go. But if he was still to motivate himself with goals, they had to be business goals, and increasingly bold and daring.
Then Lehmann Brothers collapsed. It turned out that being CEO of Lehmanns wasn’t Nirvana after all, it was an attachment and now he was detached from it. But he was still alive and still conscious and able to look back on the whole thing as something that had happened somewhere back up the river. It was a FEATURE of his life but not actually his life.
My Best Friend is finding it hard to abandon the goals that seemed to be the entire purpose of her life. But now we’re focusing our minds on how to retain the aspirations and accord them their appropriate value, but see them as ongoing ideals, and – no matter how vitally important they may be – treat them as “attachments” to central consciousness.
I was thrilled to read this article!!!! This resonates SO strongly with me that it almost sounded identical to many conversations I’ve had. Music to my ears. Thank you so very much for sharing.
It’s better to do what you can and let things happen as they will.
Life can be wonderful if u follow this.
I have had too many goals and expectations of myself, my work and everything else and usually they don’t work for me.. and thank God! Now, I know there are people like me…
Thank you for the great post
Thank you very much for this – I – just in the last two days have decided to divorce myself from expectations as some reading I have been doing has directed me that much of my life frustrations stems from
these “so-called Great Expectations”. Additionally, it seems people who care less and are lazy often fall into the perfect job and great satisfaction which comes from their way of life…..I am glad you wrote this piece….as it is very timely with regard to where I am right at this moment with regard to goals……totally done with setting them…..worthless…..
Hi Jonathan, you probably wrote this six months ago, I recieved your mail back then! But I am only writing this now. I do have a goal, but I still have not reached it, my goal is to let the world know what I am writing about, but money is what makes the world go round, and without money very few people will know what I am writing about. At first it drove me up the wall, but what you say is true, if the world wants to know, only a very few people need to first know about it, if those few people know they will tell a few more, and eventually the world will know, how long this will take is anybody’s quess, for me to kill myself over it is just going to get me killed and then I won’t know if the world actually eventually read my books. I hope you don’t mind, my books names are “Jesus the Keeper of the Truth”, “Unchaste Deception”, and FSH By Walter Muller. At a very young age I wanted to write books, I just never knew about what, as the years went by the ‘what’ became clear at the age of plus minus twenty, then in 2007 at the age of 49 the first one were done, then 2008 the second and in 2009 the third one, so eventually it took thirty years to fullfill the first task, that of writing what I want the world to know, should I kill myself to inform the world that the books are written if I am a poor man who cannot afford to pay publishers incredible amounts of money which I do not have!
No, I took a second option, self publishing, cheap? Definately, but very little exposure, so, few people see it, but who knows, those few people might eventually tell millions, my dream has been achieved, although still in the making, it has started. Thank you very much for your site and e mails young man; YOU ARE DOING AN INCREDIBLE JOB.
Walter.