Sometimes the easiest way to solve a problem is to stop participating in the problem. Sometimes the smartest choice is giving up.
I don’t think that giving up should be your primary method for dealing with problems. But there are certainly a lot of cases where it just seems to be the most intelligent answer.
The more I stop trying to force things to happen, the more they just seem to sort themselves out. The more I let things happen, the less time I spend trying to make them happen.
Giving up is really about honoring your feelings. It’s about giving up trying to force yourself into a
mold of societal shoulds and embracing your true self.
So here’s an invitation to…
- Give up trying to be cool.
- Give up your golden handcuffs.
- Give up wanting to be a famous musician, artist, architect, thinker, writer, whatever-it-is. Maybe it’s smarter to make your purpose to have an impact, instead.
- Give up wanting to be different for the sake of being unique.
- Give up trying to be perfect.
- Give up keeping relationships with people you don’t really like.
- Give up trying to be the center of attention.
- Give up trying to be important. (Focusing on community is usually more fulfilling.)
- Give up achieving a lot of ego-driven goals.
- Give up trying to be super-focused. Sometimes the most compelling ideas come from the most messy, unexpected sources.
- Give up trying to be indie.
- Give up trying to popular.
- Give up caring about owning a lot of cool things, which keep you distracted from acknowledging that you don’t like what you’re doing with your life.
- Give up trying to have a perfectly organized workspace and a zero inbox.
With that said, there are a lot of ways we think we’re doing good, but we’re really not.
Counter-intuitive to what you think, it might make more sense to…
- Give up trying to be super happy all the time. Instead, settle for being peaceful.
- Give up needing a reason to share your love. Being alive is reason enough.
- Give up trying to be everything to everyone.
- Give up trying to fit the mold of your race, astrological sign, job title, religious group, political party or other erroneous associations.
- Give up caring about being the smartest, best and fastest. At least don’t let your ego get caught up in it.
- Give up caring about “being a man” or “being a woman.” Or doing what is expected of your gender.
- Give up sacrificing your life for an expensive degree that makes you feel important.
- Give up trying to be ultra productive, especially if productivity is making you miserable.
- Give up caring about having a respectable job, a respectable resume, and a respectable life. Replace following a template, with freestyling life.
- Give up trying to constantly improve yourself. Sometimes too much self improvement can cause you to lose sight of the present.
- Give up caring about doing what works.
- Give up thinking you don’t have the time or skills to make your dreams a reality.
- Give up caring about knowing everything in advance before you take action. Put yourself on auto-response instead.
- Give up trying to always find interesting experiences and interesting things to do. Alternatively, be interesting and be interested.
- Give up trying to live up to the expectation of your parents, your friends, your boss, and peers.
- Give up trying to live up to the expectation of… yourself.
- Give up trying to have a flawless body, perfect face, or an impeccable wardrobe. Care more about beautifying your mind and being a person who takes beautiful actions.
Trying to make things happen all the time creates a lot of unnecessary anxiety. It’s stressful trying to deny what is.
When I give up, I accept life as it is. No strings attached. No wishing things were different. If an action needs to be taken, I take it. But I’ve given up letting my happiness be dependent on a thing.
Most of these problems only exist within our minds. They’re not real physical problems; they’re simply psychic, imagined obstacles.
It’s interesting how we seem to have so many problems, so many dilemmas. But most of the time the answer to solving them is doing nothing. Giving up.
So, what do you think? Has giving up ever helped you win?
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Well put and I totally agree with what you’ve written. Shortly after 9/11 I was facing a crossroad with my business as it too was leveled during that moment of crisis.
I went quiet for weeks and simply listened to find what would grow in my life if I didn’t make it rain. I wasn’t giving up in the literal sense of the word as it is important to achieve my dreams. No, by going quiet and giving up the energy can you stop false momentum from taking you in the wrong direction.
great list of reminders on how to focus on and find what’s really important. I spent the first 7 years after college trying to be ‘responsible’ about money, wanting to pay back some of what I’d borrowed for school before starting into what I thought I was supposed to be doing. The other half of my time I spent trying to plan so I could be perfectly prepared and would know absolutely positively that I would succeed at the next step. Those 7 years (yeah – do you believe /7/ years?!? crazy!) were some of the hardest and most miserable of my life. I definitely learned a lot. I finally decided to stop with the plans and trying to make things work and just wait and see what was next. This involved a lot of prayer too – I feel like God was saying, ‘Are you ready to listen now?’ And here I am, almost 2 years living in China, feeling a peace and total affirmation that I’m where I’m supposed to be and, wow, are these students I’m working with amazing people. Instead of mucking about in an office job, which for me was sheer torment, doing work that had no real point, I am out and about, helping people in a place and a position that really /uses/ who I am – feel so blessed to be here! Just a note from a nomad.
I’m enjoying looking around your blog – keep up the great work (in the best sense of the word!!) :)
Absolutely brilliant. Thank you for this
Once you quit it becomes a habit. If there is a chance to change bad things – change them.
I declared a week of follow through to try to get some things checked off my non-existent but very long list. Ended up adding multiple extra things to do for every completion. This left me feeling both energized by the freed up space in my mind and overwhelmed by the new more to do.
Thanks for this post – perfect timing
You are so right. I have decided to give up to get back into a relationship with the person I deemed most lovable and compatible. And guess what: It feel much better than I had expected;-)…. this trying to get back thingy is very exhausting. Love does not saturate your needs, no it makes you even more hungry because It is only hope.
From 2001-2006 I was obsessed with going back to college and finishing my degree. I went back to Community College for several semesters, earned a bunch of A’s and started studying for the SAT. I moved to Chicago and started visiting local universities. I even dressed up and went in for an interview. But then, the more I thought about it, the more I remembered how much I hated the idea of paying a LOT of money to read books I could read for free, and to do things that other people think I need to do to educate and inform myself. I remembered how much I resented my first two years of college and how little control I felt I had over my choices, despite paying through the nose. Once I released myself from the expectation that I had to get a bachelor’s degree to feel like a valued member of society, I realized how much free time I had to write, travel for dancing, play music, and essentially… follow my dreams. And none of these dreams require a college degree in order to fulfill them. Do I still fantasize about being an academic? Of course I do, but I don’t have to put myself through the ringer to be intellectually on par with the rest of the world. Will I go back to school someday? Maybe… but it’s not a pressure on me anymore, and that is a great relief.
How does this work for people who are married with children who would face the wrath and criticism of not only her spouse but also that of her in-laws and her own father if she should DARE to try something different and (in their minds) risk the welfare and well-being of the family. I am paralyzed by their fear and beliefs about ‘the way things should be done’ and by my own fear of their disapproval. How’s that for social pressure?
So, after all that, anybody have any suggestions?
Thanks, man!
I was all ready doing some of this but there were a lot of ideas that I have yet to implement.
“Give up trying to live up to the expectation of… yourself.” This will be my personal motto for some weeks now, I’ve always beaten myself up, now it will stop! :)
But never ever give up on life and love. ^^
“Give up trying to be super happy all the time. Instead, settle for being peaceful.”
thank you.
Thank you very much for this – it’s exactly at the right time for me in my life and reminds me of how any success and happiness that I had came to me. Thank you for this permission.
Jonathan,
I think that what you are speaking to is the ability to be authentic, to pursue and realize your individual goals, and to separate yourself from the internalized expectations and socialization of an often sick society. In essence, all we have is a matter of minutes and the choice of how we will “spend our time” here. It is really an existential question that begs to be answered, who am I and what am I doing here, what is my purpose, and what will I leave behind? Giving up the egoism that steals our precious minutes, energies, and resources is the first step to truly waking to our authentic self. Thank you for the fabulous reminder.
Hi,
I just found your blog by way of zen habits. Just reading this post, I could feel so much pressure and weight melt from my shoulders. It is so exhausting to keep up with the Joneses. This post is a gift. Thank you.
You just saved my life. I typed “giving up” in google, to find ways to give up on life, and read your article instead. Now its posted on my bathroom mirror – I’m giving up on worrying and trying, instead Im going to live to have impact, to be connected, to be truly interested in life itself! Thank you.
hummmmmm…now that means we all should follow our own instincts and choose our goal accordingly.one should not follow a perticular path just becoze its difficult for him or her. Those who achieved geniousness are the ones who followed there interest and had a strong feeling towards there purpose in life which made the journy rather adventerous and fun without getting carried away from what others think or opine about them eg are…picaso,newton,einstine,amithabbacchan,and the latest one stephen hawkins…as is said if u realy feel the need for something the whole universe conspires to help you in getting it…the important thing is to believe and have faith…very good artical.
I am about to have my supplementary exam for one of my subjects today and I just wanted to give up this opportunity because I just cant do it. I feel like such a failer right now and after reading your post it made me feel that giving up so many things will make me fail more.
Sometimes that is the only solution. Let life handle it better.
thank you I needed that.
I just stumbled across this page accidentally. I have been stressed for months and months about this economy and getting into a certain degree program. My life has been miserable with responsibilities I put on myself. I think I am following a path that everyone else has told me to pursue. But inside, I feel when im free of these normalities…Im at peace. This was weird how I found this site. But it has saved me…
I was not sure what I was going to read when I stumbled onto this page earlier today. However, I am very glad I read it and all of the related comments. It was nice to know that I am not the only one struggling with this concept and it is wonderful to have someone saying, “Just feel the power to let it all go?” This was not an article about throwing your life away and living in a cardboard box at the end of your street, it is all about taking stock of what one really wants i life and being quiet long enough to be sure you go the direction you want to go and you are happy with that. Great article! Powerful.
I have to admit that this site makes alot of sense to me. For the last one year my life has been a nightmare. I had a good life before last august. A good job, money, a good home…then everything just fell apart….and i have lived a lie for the last one year…living in debt to keep up with the lifestyle i had… in the process i have destroyed a reputation i built, relationships i had and the work i did. And as sat today feeling miserable with myself i happened to find this site….i have decided to give up on this lie that i have lived for the last one year. Somehow i feel like its a good, new beginning…where i can find new happiness…
tnx
Just google for Epictetus.
Stoicism is making a comeback. It’s probably more useful to western buddhists than buddhism. If only they knew about it.
When I have a problem and like to solve it and it takes so much effort, I always give up. But I really don’t give up, I just focus my interest in other things.
Some day, a brilliant, simple solution, appears in my mind. My subconscious had been working in the shadow.
It works because when something doesn’t work, you need to change your strategy, if you continue doing the same things, you get the same results, no matter how much effort you apply. Worse, you get burned.
Recently i gave up on many opportunities, because they were not what i wanted to do, or (by doing them) to be.
I just feel better to see that i’m not the only one who thinks that sometimes, the better think to do is to give up on something that does not make you happy.
My favorite quote :”Give up caring about owning a lot of cool things, which keep you distracted from acknowledging that you don’t like what you’re doing with your life.”
Thanks a million for this.
A strange game. It seems the only winning move is not to play.
Great post! Very well said. Will refer some of my clients to read it! Trying to “keep up” with things does not work. It resonates with me because it’s part of my daily philosophy, just wish I had found as good a way to talk about it as you did!
Dr. Ada