How the World of Self Help Died (and the new era of living on your own terms)

It's not so much the patterns themselves that are the problem. For the majority of people, it's an attachment to particular patterns, combined with a desire to fit in and always be liked, that really mucks things up. And for a smaller number of folks, it's an attachment to never having any pattern that causes the trouble.

The way I see it, freedom means being able to let go of patterns and go free-form when your life calls for it, but then be able to work with patterns when your life calls for that.

"Be that self which one truly is." ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Living on my own terms means the extinction of the personal boundaries that I put upon myself. Or any of us for that matter. Those thoughts of " I'm not good enough, smart enough, strong enough, I don't have the resources, etc..." opening up to the possibility that we as humans might not be limitless but our spirit is.

Thank you for saying what I have been thinking for a while. Gone is "how to win friends and influence people" and in are being yourself,. And if people don't like you, so be it.

Brilliant article. I recommend reading the book Get Me Adjusted. This is the type of book that is NOT self help. It's about attitude in general, which has a huge influence on what we do and how we see things. This book does not tell you to do this or that or tells you how other people sorted themselves out. It explains how attitude works and once read you can 'get on with radically embracing who they are and living on your own terms' This is where I got the book: http://www.lulu.com/browse/search.php?fListingClass=0&fSearch=get+me+adjusted

Living on my own terms is living what I call an Epic Life:

"To be true to oneself and to be content with one's life."

Living on my own terms is about creating a life that I believe in, and loving the journey. It's about staying in constant alignment with what I value and what I love.

I value autonomy and authenticity. So having the freedom and independence to explore and discover all of what life has to offer is very important to me. Also, being true to self and always being comfortable with questioning things is what keeps me aware and present in the moment.

Freedom for me has everything to do with acting on your first thought when you wake up without restraint or pressure to do so. I told someone recently that "I think the work that my company does is important, but I just do not think its important that I do it" so I will be leaving in about 2months and ever since I picked a date I feel great about it! Will I work again? Absolutely! However my next assignment will involve me bringing unique value and looking forward to Sunday nights instead of dreading them because on Monday I am less than enthused about the work.

Living on your own terms is a place to come from, not a place to get to. Like Happiness, it is also a place to come from, not get to. The search for either is the trap for never finding it. One of our greatest pitfalls as humans is we think we have to believe everything we think. Our "searching" thoughts leaves us either in the future or past and not in the present. Living on our own terms is a moment by moment way of being. It is choosing it now and now and now. When we master this we can be in any situation or be dealing with any circumstance and know that in that moment we can choose to have it and hold it inside the context of life in our own terms. I heard this great quote the other day. "Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

Living on my own terms, for me, means owning my life and my time. Living in a way that works for me and my family. My passion is showing people that there is another way to live - their way. I love working with people to dig deep and figure out what their passions are and show them the steps they can take to get there. Most people are shocked to see that it's actually possible.

Living on my own terms means finding ways to add value to other people's lives in a way that lights my inner fire. And my inner fire is lit when I see people's eyes start to open wide, seeing what's really possible for them for the first time. My inner fire shines brighter when I can tell that I've just lit up someone else's inner fire.

I'm usually the first person who has told those I work with that their ideas and passions are awesome and something to be followed, no matter what they are. More people need the support of communities like this one where anything and everything is possible.

Jonathan - You're AWESOME and I love what you have created!!

Living on your own terms...

Taking action on dreams that have been put inside you for a reason.

Not letting people drag you down to just doing the normal/traditional/acceptable/safe things again.

Living on my own terms to me constitutes as such: I know this is corny, but I remember a movie saying "if you wake up in the morning, and the first thing you can think of is singing, then you are a singer". And that's how I feel about writing. Being career-driven, but also a broke-ass college grad with a useless degree, my best, and easiest form of expression is writing. I know it follows a well-known job template, but the way I see it is while writers still have to work for several hours a day to make a deadline or write a fourth of a novel, are they wearing tacky work uniforms? Do they have to report to a corporate meetings at 8 AM? Does work require that they have only naturally occurring hair colors, and no piercings or tattoos? Nope. Still a freedom, in my eyes. Me, I want to work from home and get the word out to younger folks about certain issues--reach someone emotionally, perhaps. And that's why writing is what I consider living on my own terms; no physical expectations, and plenty of freedom with a pen.

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." - Krishnamurti

This question comes to me perfectly timed. I am trying to discover a way to work in a world that operates along lines I have never agreed with. Freedom for me, comes when I am able to do creative and valuable service to the planet on my terms, and not in slavery to a paltry paycheque. Is it really possible to completely define the terms of your worklife in a world that is set up to enslave people? If you do not happen to have money to begin with, it seems to be a nearly impossibly tall order. I would so like to believe that it is possible. I have struggled in "the system" for so long now, never able to thrive. Always barely functional. Just getting by. I cannot do it anymore. And I cannot work for companies that care nothing of human value or the welfare of the planet. The machine is everywhere, but I maintain hope and vision for something infinitely better.

Great observation! What's sad and scary about people who have become "free" (at least from the 9 to 5) is they start to feel superior, mock those in happy 9 to 5's and make them uncool.

Living on my own terms (to me) means the ability to make a living and pursue multiple interests all at once. That means not having a 9-5 job, which I find to be too rigid to allow me to, say, write a song at 10am when I'm feeling particularly creative, or go for a long bike ride at 3pm when the roads are empty.

Yes, one’s man freedom is another man’s rule.

We all are passionate about what we are into and want to share it with others. For some our path is their perfect path, for others it’s not. That said, often it better to get on a path than sit on your ass waiting to figure it out or for it to find you.

My motto and the tagline for my new book is – as men we aren’t bad or broken and we don’t need to be fixed! Self help came from therapy and therapy for decades told us that something was wrong with us with the drug companies there to sell us a drug to fix it.

At worst we just didn’t get to learn key skills.

What I see are people showing up to teach those lost skills. Often it is our friends, a blog or a free men’s group. We all are going open source, helping each other fill in the gaps. My hope is that we bring in our elders for their wisdom before they leave us. They have a lot to teach us… they can shorten our learning curve.

Living on my own terms.......hmmm. I have learned that recently.

Listening to others, but coming to my own conclusion and action based on what intuitively feels right.

Acting with the most respect and honesty towards others and expecting nothing less from them.

That is what I have at the moment.

I love this! I had the "throw everything in" moment, that is went and wrote in Italy (a book called Me, Myself and Lord Byron). I hope it wasn't condescending. I was very aware that I had the luxury to do they trip because I am single, childless, mortgage-less. My point was instead of bemoaning what I didn't have (husband, children, house) I needed to go and celebrate what I did have: the ability to go and live my dream. It was an intense time though. My book is far from a fairytale fantasy. It became a deep excavation of personal issues. And I came to the conclusion that true freedom is self-knowledge. Knowing yourself, being truthful with yourself, facing the sub-conscious demons and finding the things that truly inspire and nourish you because they resonate deeply... I've stopped trying to fix myself, but I do still know there are fears and fallacies which still veil my life view. So I will probably go do it again! Because I can. I'm grateful for that because I love the travel and rumination. It's not for everyone. And you don't have to run away to get down and deep in your stuff. Though the weight of every day life does make it difficult to find the space to do for many people. Anyway, I love this as mentioned! Just thought I'd say that. And a bit more, apparently...

Thank you. Thank you. A little provocative that some people will take the wrong way but overall a message that I've felt for a number of years. And not until recently, have there been new inklings of signs of a new version of self help that allows people to determine the life THEY want to lead, that's important to them as individuals, and meets their priorities.

Ironically, when I first read some of your articles like the one about quitting your job and going into business for yourself, I was a little afraid you "didn't get it" either. You had some awesome articles for people that indeed had the same priorities as you, but you seemed to imply that everyone should want to quit their day job and go into business for themselves. I stuck around because you had a lot of good articles and tools that worked or that I could adapt. And now I see you're not as different from me as I first thought.

Not everyone wants to quite their day job, or even if they do, it doesn't mean they want to go into business for themselves. Although, I see the possibility of going into business for myself some day, I don't have the desire at all. I put some importance on stability, not having to deal with the hassles of running my own business, and in my case more ROS (Return on Stress level). In my case, I'm learning a lot about leadership, mgmt, industry, what to do, what not to do, and I get to do it relatively stress free. I put some premium on flexibility which is why I have turned down a lot of similar jobs for less money especially if they don't help me build any skills or experience that will help me move closer to what I think I want to do next.

For me, the most important thing is fulfilling my desire to maximize my impact on the world, in a certain way. It's more important than money, flexibility, time spent, and to some extent even work life balance because I'm so passionate about it. Also, being challenged and intellectually stimulated is a high priority.

But, continuing to perpetuate this message that started (or that many of us were thinking, but not saying) will be important until a quantum mass realize they can really live any life that THEY feel is most important. I had a friend from another country lose his job recently and he was devastated as he would likely have to move back home. Ironically, my friend had been miserable in his job for years, had been thinking of moving back home for years, and didn't seem to be motivated to change anything. I encouraged him to take some time to think about what he wanted and what was important to him but he felt compelled to go through the motions and apply for as many jobs as he could. He said he's wait until he was back home to do some thinking and that he had to spend all his extra time with his girlfriend. Who ironically, he admitted he didn't think would go anywhere long term if he did stay. Not surprisingly, he didn't get one interview before leaving because he wasn't clear on what he wanted, wasn't focused, didn't have a center, etc.

Even though I've known clearly what I have wanted for 10 years (with some evolutions and changes as I have changed), I still struggle with some of the issues of living MY dreams. I am to a large extent but I struggle with fear of failure due to others expectations and fear of success due to resentment of others (family) expectations who can't understand because they think I have everything they want already.

So true! We’re constantly bombarded with stories of people quitting their jobs, selling all their stuff, and running off to some exotic location (why is it always South-East Asia?) to live out their ‘Eat. Pray. Love.’ dream. Whimsical tales like these, when told to people with mortgages and/or kids, can feel a little insulting. Fact is we really don’t have to go to these lengths to do what we love. If we want to and can, we should go for it. But we shouldn't treat this template as the only way.

Another problem with much writing on this subject is that it often reeks of condescension. Anyone who continues to be a slave to ‘the man’ is derided as a weakling and failure. I’m all for independence, but going with the flow doesn’t automatically make you a slave nor are all corporate jobs are soul-sucking beasts that must be vanquished so we can pursue our dreams. We should definitely be following our own templates, not being rebellious because everyone else is too.

Hi Jonathan,

Great article. I just wanted to add that I don't believe following many passions to be the answer for everyone. Puttylike is really only meant for multipotentialites-- people who have struggled with this particular issue their entire lives, people who have been made to feel that they must limit their exploration and pigeonhole themselves to be accepted.

Embracing and building a life around multiple passions absolutely isn't the answer for everyone. I actually have a major issue with people who make the absolute statements. I believe you should do what works for you, always.

Plus once you reject the notion that you must be "one thing" and embrace your multipotentiality, what does that look like? It's radically different for each person. That's the kind of freedom I want to help inspire. I want scanners to stop fighting their true nature and start thinking for themselves about what they want their lives to look like.

As writers, we can only share our own experiences and the lessons we've learned. And if those words resonate with others and help, that's great. But along with providing our own suggestions, we must empower our communities to make their own choices and not merely be reliant on us.

Another great post Jonathon to get us to lift our heads and think differently. Personally I 'm all for lifestyle design with a twist of individuality and hell what's wrong with a spot of rebellion if the old ways don't work, as long as your purpose is more expansive than making a million and being a celeb then I can't see the problem with a rebelistic approach after all I think its those who choose to think then act differently that actually evolve consciousness for mankind as a whole.

The thing I'm struggling with is the desperate marketing that is accompanying the death throws.

There are sites with great information and worthy aspirations (eg this one) but how do good people get their message out in an online world of noise and naff, formulaic marketing messages. Blogged about it here... eleanororourke.wordpress.com

Need advice/direction/inspiration!

While I totally agree with many of your thoughts and definitely with your conclusion, I don't agree that the self-help movement is based on "how to win friends, achieve success, and get more done." Rather than self-help, that sounds like books written for people looking to improve their success in business (I agree that those books focused on a paradigm that has already shifted). Unfortunately, I think there are a lot of people writing today about topics that they are NOT experts on, regardless of their personal success or personal experience or how many followers tell them that they are great. I constantly find myself feeling that some bloggers lack depth, context and true perspective despite the large number of people who follow them (present company excluded, of course). Like so many things in life, the internet is filled with people with big dreams, a vision and sense of knowing what works for everyone. I applaud you for reminding us to live on our own terms, with our own vision, regardless of what trend is popular at the moment. Cheers!

Great article and well timed. I think most self help projects tend to lead us down someone elses path. We all want to succeed and make money. But finding our own path is most important. Self-help needs to evolve to support the individual goals of a person. My goal is different from yours but we can use the same tools to get there. Support our individuality and not lump everyone into the same get rich quick scheme.

Underlying the quest for happiness is the desire to experience the elements of Love. Now, based on a new science we know how to do that. Instead of self-help we have self acceptance and thru self acceptance to the acceptance of others. Service is the apex. It is the living of the Golden Rule in all the ways you can imagine and create. It is limitless in its expression. It is the new science of love. It is intentional and works only when the elements are freely applied, they cannot be coerced, demanded or legislated. It is truley living on your own terms within the domain of Love.

What a timely article! This is exactly what I am going through as a non-conformist realising that there is nothing to conform (or not) to. I faced a lot of resistance from people in my life for the choices I've made, and come out of it stronger and happier than ever.

What is it with he revelations and realizations today? Great point. We must twist he super imposition and Find our authentic why's . I wrote something similar on Alidark.com today. Thanks johnathan.

The biggest issue with the whole self-help phenomenon, it seems to me, is that you end up living someone else's idea of "the good life." Then, when you've started working toward what is, in effect, someone else's happiness, you still feel like a square peg in a round hole. And of course, the self-"help" author has already taken pains to let you know ahead of time that if their method didn't work, it's your fault and not theirs (it's not their methodology that's flawed, in other words, it's you, but don't worry, 'cause they have another book for that). It's like sticking an abusive relationship between covers, because for all the "affirmative" talk, the first assumption is that there's something terribly wrong with you, and the next assumption that follows from that is, "You have to change your (self, life, family, etc.) and be more like me, or everyone will hate you."

What the fuck?

It can all be a little bit too heavy, I think if people got laid more, drank a beer once in a while, took life less serious and allowed themselves to feel the full range of emotions without judgement of themselves, knowing there is a time for everything. The world would be a little less attached to trying to perfect their lives, country and world.

Now that is not to say that I don't enjoy gleaning from others. There are many people who have visited places I haven't, seen things I haven't, learned things I haven't so i always keep my ears and eyes open to what others have to say, even if I take it with a grain of salt. Occasionally I will come across a gem

I love this topic!

We are all perfect just as we are right now. By that I mean, neither you or I are less than, unworthy, or broken.

Each of us has challenges and character defenses, and living a truly happy and courageous life requires awareness, acceptance and action, but I choose not to buy into the idea that I, or anyone else, needs to be fixed.

There is no such thing as perfection, and no matter how much I grow I will never "have it all". I choose to live my best life, and to do I practice healthy and mindful living, which is entirely different from fixing a broken image of self.

Great post! It's about the freedom to choose, not a requirement to emulate a certain carefree, wandering lifestyle. It's kind of like the women's movement. Before women could only work in the home, then, people started hating on women who "only" wanted to be stay at home moms instead of working, so most women feel forced to choose. The purpose of a movement or revolution is greater freedom. To increase options, and decrease shame and guilt. You can do whatever you want.

Hey JonathanMead still so very invigorating reading your posts. Have you offered your Wordpress Headway theme/skin customization available for others to download/test? Like how you've accomplished that. I'm playing around with EasyThesis right now... considering Headway... http://www.burningbushhk.com/wordpress is under construction (getting motivated by your Trailblazer course)