Much of what masquerades as growth is a narcissistic pursuit in a shrewd disguise.

What I’ve come to realize is that much of the time, when I think I’ve been growing, I haven’t really been growing. I’ve been trying to fix or improve myself.

The line between authentic growth on the one hand, and fake growth on the other, is an obscured landscape. Sometimes I think that I’m growing, and I really believe wholeheartedly that I am. Then I notice an undercurrent of duplicity, and when I dig deeper, I find that what was perpetrating as an authentic endeavor was really not. I wasn’t starting from a place of wholeness and expanding from there. I was trying to cure an invisible illness: my perceived inadequacy.

That inadequacy is a myth driven by the ego, and has nothing to do with real growth.

We’re already whole. Already complete. You don’t need to prove that to yourself by chasing hollow achievements. Real growth has nothing to do with fixing anything. It’s about expanding what already is.

Real growth has nothing to do with…

• Improvement (although you may inadvertently improve things, you don’t start from a place of trying to improve).
• Solely ego-based pursuits.
• Being more popular.
• Adding things to your resume, or your list of accomplishments.
• Inflating your self of entitlement.
• “Shoulds.”
• Making more money (though it might have something to do with creating more value).
• Competition.

On the other hand, fake growth is all about…

• A never-ending quest for [fleeting] fulfillment.
• Chasing empty pursuits.
• Doing new things for the “experience.”
• Changing for the sake of changing.
• Counting and measuring everything.
• Temporarily boosting your self-esteem.
• The future.

(On a side note: fake growth and “good ideas” seem to have a lot to do with each other.)

It’s a tricky business. You can think you’ve pulled all the weeds of in-authenticity and the next thing you know, you’re realizing you’re doing something for the sake of “growth” that doesn’t really matter. The prolificacy of fake growth often hides in hard-to-find corners of your mind. It often arrives in unassuming forms.

I’ve seen this happen too many time with myself.

• I’m trying to create a new habit (like early rising) because it’s a “rite of passage” for personal growth. But I don’t really care about it.
• I’m reading a book and I realize that I don’t give a shit about it. I bought it because I thought it would a good idea for me to learn about X topic.
• I’m pushing myself to learn something that I’m not really passionate about — like a new language for instance — because it’s a socially prestigious pursuit.
• I’m listening to music that I can’t stand to “expand my horizons.”
• I’m pursuing a business opportunity because I think it’s a good idea, and I later realize I’m not really passionate about it.

And the list goes on.

All of this stuff sounds pretty ridiculous when it’s laid out there. And when you think about it in hindsight, it is. But it tends to be much trickier than that when you’re up close and in the trenches.

The prolificacy of comfort

The other problem I’ve found is that often you think you’re really growing, but you’re just lying to yourself. Some part of you is comfortable. You’ve developed a nice little pattern that cushions you and keeps you safe.

So you rebel against the pattern a little, and you take a little bit of risk. This makes you feel good and you tell yourself you’re growing.

But you know that real growth would be much more uncomfortable. It would kill the pattern, and in its place would be an expansion of possibility.

Then there’s the fake growth addict

You know that part of you that wants to always reach the “next level”? That’s the fake growth addict.

Real growth isn’t about reaching another level. It’s not about constantly seeking something outside yourself. Real growth is about internal transformation. It’s about the realization that you are already whole. You are already complete. You are already more powerful than you can dare to imagine.

Real growth is about embracing that power and doing it fearlessly.

Fake growth consists of constantly chasing another bullet point to put on your life resume. Another higher data point on a never ending graph. Another fake credential you can spew off to an unimportant stranger at an unimportant party. Another merit badge that you tell yourself will really make you feel “accomplished.” Then you can finally cash in on your growth and be satisfied.

But you never do get satisfied, do you? The number one sign of fake growth is: constinual seeking.

The hidden secret of real growth: it doesn’t matter that much to itself

The truth about real growth is that real growth doesn’t need validation. It doesn’t need for you to approve or disapprove. It doesn’t need a stamp of validation or a letter of recommendation. It doesn’t need to be sanctioned by a regulated list of socially approved goals.

And here’s something else… Real growth doesn’t care that YOU call it growth.

It has no ego. It has no internal or external validation system.

That’s because real growth is beyond growth.

Real growth is about…

• Experiencing a greater intimacy with life and a deeper passion for it.
• A new level of understanding; moving past a plateau.
• Liberation, not confinement.
• Fluidity, intuition, organicness, naturalness.
• The present moment.
• Starting from a place of wholeness.
• Accepting the reality of the situation as-it-is.
• Healing.
• Not being overly positive (denial) or overly negative (nihilistic).
• Real life, including all the warts, imperfections, blemishes, and scars.
• Accepting the things you don’t like; and upon realizing that you want to change them, facing them head on.
• Not simply swallowing a “think positive” placebo (denial).
• Community. Growth does not happen in a vacuum. It is supported by those around you, and your growth has a positive impact on your immediate circle, your community, and the world.

Fake growth leads to tumors. Real growth often does not notice it’s there. It’s integrated. It gets out of the way of itself. It doesn’t try to count and measure how fast or slow it is growing.

Real growth accepts that sometimes it’s not necessary

Too much growth leads to suffocation, bursted bubbles, and overpopulation. Radical, never-ending growth is not sustainable.

Real growth knows that sometimes it’s time to stop growing. Sometimes it’s time to let go, to move on, and yes, to decline. Growth and decline are two sides of the same pole. Without one, the other can’t exist.

In the end, real growth knows that it doesn’t really matter. It’s not just about rising vertically, or expanding horizontally. Real growth knows that what goes up, must come down, and what expands, must contract.

True growth often leads to stillness. And sometimes the most formidable growth… is none at all.

Here’s a little video I put together for this celebration. It’s a bit dark (by a bit, I mean a lot), so bear with me. I’m still trying to get used to changing the settings on this camera.

Oh and just to sweeten the deal, I’m extending the discount for Reclaim Your Dreams until next Saturday, February 21st. You’ve got another week.

That’s all I got. Let me know what you think of the vlog!

Life is a waking dream. -Aristotle

Following your dreams is scary. I get it.

What’s more scary is spending much of our lives searching for the illusion of security. What dreams would you have left behind if you didn’t live tomorrow? Would you regret not following your heart?

Beyond the grind.

The daily grind leads us to believe we should live by the rule of Panem et Cicenses, the Roman concept of bread and circuses; meager games and food to keep the populace entertained whilst powerful men do cruel things behind closed doors.

The monotony makes us think that we should keep our feet on the ground, heads down, mouths shut and our noses to the grindstone. We call this making a living. It’s more like a dying.

I think otherwise; I live by my dreams and can teach you how to do the same.

Escape from cubicle hell.

Not too long ago I wasn’t living my dreams at all. Far from it. I was in the wrong crowd, partying heavily and abusing my body. I worked at a job I hated as a file clerk (I called it file-hell-liaison) and woke up unhappy on a daily basis.

Then I had a wake up call. I partied too much one night and ended up in the hospital. It’s funny how an IV in your arm helps you get your priorities straight.

So I woke up and cleaned up my act. I landed a job in a highly creative environment that reinforces my passions. I married the woman I love and started writing about personal development and how to achieve your dreams. I got really clear about what I wanted and started to come alive.

What I realized is the most effective ways to improve your life are often counter intuitive. They go against conventional wisdom and what’s supposed to work. Now I want to teach you everything I’ve learned that’s brought me to a path of overflowing awesomeness.

Give yourself permission to dream again.

In Reclaim Your Dreams you’ll learn how to resurrect your dreams from the grave of practicality and start making them a reality. Think of your dearest dream. You know, the one that keeps nudging you as you sit in your cubicle (under that beautiful fluorescent lighting). Imagine how it will feel to accomplish your dreams and the impact you will have on this planet.

Can you see yourself getting there? Perhaps not alone, but I can guide you. The first 25 people to buy Reclaim Your Dreams will get a free personal phone, email or chat based coaching session from me on how you can achieve your dreams.

Here are just a few of the things that Reclaim Your Dreams will teach you:

1. Define Your Dreams – Dreams are fickle creatures and can sometimes be hard to tie down, but with a little effort you can do it. Identifying is the first step on the way to achieving and this book will give you the tools to do just that.
2. Overcome Uncertainty – You probably wonder at some level whether dreams are practical or just ridiculous. You may not necessarily doubt the dream itself, but the uncertainty that comes with working towards it. You fear your limitations. You fear your weaknesses. Reclaim Your Dreams will show you that conventional wisdom is really just a big, fat collective assumption. Dreams are possible and Reclaim Your Dreams will show you step by step just how to make them take root in the world.
3. Wake Up Happy – While there are the elusive few like yourself who dare to dream, there are others who would seek to bring you down. You’ll learn how to overcome the naysayers and how to start being excited about your life again.

Very recently I turned down a high-end corporate job — that would have paid me twice my current salary — because I understood it was a dream-suffocating environment. I feel so strongly about my work that I am giving you a complete and utter guarantee:

If Reclaim Your Dreams does not set you down the path of success within 90 days or less, I will give you your money back. I don’t need to hear the reasons, because I know you hold the potential to unlock your dreams. We just need to release it.

You could be totally excited about your life within a few moments.

This ebook lists for $24.95 and it could sell thousands and thousands of copies at that price, but just to further show my commitment to your success for the next 30 days, every single reader will get 20% off the list price. You can purchase Reclaim Your Dreams for only $19.95. Although I’d like to leave it at this price forever, I know human nature too well. It would be noted and forgotten, and another dream would be left unachieved. I don’t want that. That’s why this is a limited time offer, so I encourage you to buy now.

The truth is, you can’t afford not to dream. You can’t afford to let another year slip away without following your heart. You have to start now.

So will you give me permission to show you how to come alive?

Us dreamers could use some company

- Jonathan

PS: This book is less than the price of dinner for two at a pretty cheap restaurant. That’s a pretty sweet deal for something that will completely change your life. Imagine waking up excited about your life every day, wouldn’t that be nice?

You have until February 13th to buy at the discounted price of $19.95. After that, the price goes back up.

If you’re still not convinced, here’s a free gift: a sample chapter of Reclaim Your Dreams so you can try it before you buy it. Click here to download sample chapter.

Ready to reclaim your dreams yet?

“Write down your goals.” The age old advice you’ll hear on every self-development blog. As if you just write them down, everything else will take care of itself.

Poof!

Life is complete and you can rest in peace.

Not quite.

I don’t really have a lot of goals. In fact, I make it a point to not have them because they make me miserable. That doesn’t mean I don’t aim and aspire to do awesome things. I do. Life wouldn’t be worth living without that. It’s just that I don’t have a goal sheet. I don’t have a list of achievements I want to make in the next 3 months, 6 months, or 5 years.

Why?

Because goals have hurt me more than they’ve helped.

If you’re anything like me, you want to do a lot. You don’t dream tiny. You dream big. Really big.

You-want-it-all.

And there’s nothing wrong with that. The problem is that too often we get our goals caught up in who we are. If we don’t achieve them, we’re a failure. I’ve certainly felt like this. When I started this blog I made a goal to get 2,000 subscribers in one month. I didn’t reach that goal. It felt terrible. Not because I failed. On the contrary, I achieved a lot. I felt miserable because I put my sense of self worth in the accomplishment of a thing.

So instead of goals, I try to live based on principles. I try to live in alignment with what I value most. Instead of having unrealistic and fantastic goals, I have aspirations and dreams instead.

While goals seem nice and pretty on the outside, not so nice on the inside. You think they’ll help you. After all, isn’t the point of having goals to help you create a better life?

But exactly the opposite happens. They end up owning you.

You measure how much you’ve done to meet your goals. You usually shoot for the moon. You aim high when you set your goals and that’s a good thing right? The problem is you usually fall short. Then you punish yourself for not achieving everything you wanted to. Your mind thinks “if you don’t achieve this, if you don’t live up to this image of perfection, you’re not allowed to be happy.”

That’s ridiculous.

I’ve lived too long like that and I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t let seemingly positive things force me to walk around unhappy all the time because I’m falling short. It’s not worth it.

So as I said earlier, instead of goals I have ideals that I try to live by. I value certain things like family, freedom, fitness, and creativity. As long as I’m doing things that keep me in alignment with those things, I’m happy. I don’t have a goal to become more creative by reading 7 books next month. I don’t have a goal to run 6 miles a day. Because if I don’t, I’ll inevitably beat myself up. I failed. My ego gets wrapped up in it and I obsess over it.

Just like I’ve decided being lazy is better for me, I’ve decided to give up on goals.

I’ve also found a few other seemingly counterintuitive things work better for me:

• I’ve stopped caring a lot.
• I’ve learned that doing more doesn’t usually bring me more happiness. But doing less does.
• I’ve learned that doing “what works” doesn’t really work for me.
• I’ve learned that constantly trying to improve your life, can often make it worse.

I’ve learned that taking it easy and following your natural rhythms is much more important than productivity. What matters most is how much joy you’re currently experiencing in the present moment. If you’re putting off your happiness until you accomplish something, you’re failing at life.

We can’t wait to appreciate things another day. Our happiness cannot be determined by a to-do list or the achievement of goals.

I’ve stopped making goals because I often find myself living in the future. I’m so obsessed with completing the goal, it often makes the task a chore. I just want to finish it. I lose sight of why I’m doing it in the first place, to have a better life.

I’ve also stopped (as much as I can, it’s not easy) having expectations. That doesn’t mean I don’t put forth any effort to make things good, I do. I’m just not attached the outcome. If things don’t turn out the way I wanted them to, I’ll naturally get disappointed and start going on an emotional rollercoaster. It’s better to do what you can and let things happen as they will.

What do you think? Are goals getting in the way of your happiness? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

(PS: If goals are working for you, that’s awesome. They work better for some than others. For me, they get in the way.)

For more ways to live without limits subscribe to Illuminated Mind today.

[Note: This is the 2nd article in the series How to Make Your Dreams a Reality.]

I’ve wasted a lot of time in my life doing what works. I can’t count how many times I’ve used this excuse to stall pursuing my dreams.

• I went to college because that’s just “what works.”
• I go to a job and sit in a cubicle for 8 hours a day because “it works.”
• I don’t work on the weekends because I feel I need to reward myself for a week’s worth of drudgery. I have to say… “it just works.”
• I do the expected things. I try to make art because I’m supposed to be creative. I read because I’m supposed to learn. I dress a certain way because I’m supposed to be cool.

It’s not working.

I’ve previously written a lot about the importance of following your own path and not living life based on a template. The truth is, it’s damn hard not to. The few of us renegades that have evolved past living based on conventions and social norms are trying to keep our heads above water. But the mainstream, the sea of “what works,” seems to keep pulling us back under.

The mainstream isn’t working for me (in fact, I can’t remember a time it did). Common sense isn’t working for me anymore either. I don’t need to do things that are common. I don’t need to do things that make sense to other people. I don’t need to go with the grain. I don’t need to take the path of the most resistance. I don’t need to follow the leader. I need to follow myself.

Doing what works is killing our dreams because we have this expectation to follow a pre-planned life.  All throughout our schooling we’re taught the same things. We’re given a template for life that just doesn’t match up with what we really want.

It doesn’t match because it’s a template.

We may never find the job of our dreams. We may never find anyone who can answer our deepest questions about life. We may never have anyone show us how to live the lives we imagine.

We won’t find it because it’s not us. The only one who can answer those questions is really ourselves.

So if we want to make our dreams a reality, we have to stop doing what works. We have to abandon the mainstream and embrace the unstream. This means that we have to:

• Take risks and possibly make a fool out of ourself once or twice (or 200 times).
• Make things up as we go along and generally have no idea what how we’ll get to where we want to go. We just know that we can’t settle for anything else.
• Listen to our hearts. See with our hearts. Feel with our minds.

All of this is hard because it’s so easy to do what works. It’s so easy to follow the path that’s already been paved.

It’s not as easy to do what’s never been done. It’s not as easy to follow your dream of becoming a blogging entrepreneur on collectible 16th century mushroom lamps when no one else has ever done it. It’s not as easy to create a job for yourself, when you could just as easily fill out an application for one that already exists.

So if you want to make your dreams a reality. You’re going to have accept the fact that you’re going to have to be your own boss. Instead of following the rules, you make up your own rules.

Following the unstream

This past February I started this blog. I didn’t know what I was doing. I had experience as a web designer, but I barely knew what a blog was. I found a lot of hype online about making money from blogs and I got excited. I thought that maybe this would be my ticket out from the 9-5 grind. Then I got a reality check. I found that most blogs never make any money. Even more discouraging was the discovery that most blogs that make money, are about how to make money online! People are willing to pay money to learn how to make money. But people aren’t as willing to pay for information on a blog. That’s why it’s a blog. It’s supposed to be free, right?

I realize that in order to make a living blogging, it takes a long term investment. It also takes a willingness to accept a lot of strange looks when you tell people you’re trying to start a business blogging. People will doubt you. They’ll think you’re crazy. They’ll tell you that you don’t know what you’re doing.

And you know what? You probably don’t know what you’re doing. I didn’t. I still don’t. Life is a messy business and trying to have everything figured out in advance is likely to bring more stress than it relieves.

Knowing what your doing has to no longer be a determining factor in the pursuit of your dreams. I don’t know what I’m doing. All I know is that I’m not doing “what works” anymore. I’m doing what works for me. I’m following my own heart, my own path to happiness, wherever that may lead me.

I’m trying my hardest to overcome the voice of practicality. It’s difficult sometimes going to a 9 to 5 and running this blog at the same time. But I would rather be doing that, not knowing when my dreams will be realized than accept just doing what works.

If you’re off the beaten path, you may be lonely. But that’s a good thing. Because when you know you’re treading uncharted waters, you’re following the compass of your heart.

For more ways to not kill your dreams subscribe to Illuminated Mind.

Let’s face it, in our society the dreamer isn’t usually the most popular person. Contributing to the economy (shopping) and being productive (being a cubicle slave) are more esteemed than people with silly dreams and frivolous aspirations.

But if we can’t live our dreams, what the point of life? Simply to survive?

I want more than survival. I want more than security. I want to actually wake up and be excited about my life.

In order to do that, we have to shed ourselves from all the shoulds society has placed on us. We have to have the courage to do things that are beyond our known powers. We have to have the guts to forget what we think we can do and what others think is possible.

You can’t solve a problem at the same level of thinking as you created it.

We need to move to a different level of thinking if we want to live our dreams, instead of fantasizing about them. We have to transcend the mindset of limitation and ascend to the mindset of liberation.

So that’s why I’m starting this series on Living Your Dreams. Over the course of the next few weeks I’ll be posting each article in this series. You can bookmark this page to check back for new articles, or simply subscribe to the feed for updates.

Here’s what we’re going to need to learn::

1. How to Create a Dream Sanctuary. (How to start believing your dreams are possible, again).
2. The Number One Dream Killer: Doing What Works. How to renounce the mainstream and embrace the unstream.
3. How to Find Your Purpose. Because if you don’t know what your purpose is, what’s the point?
4. Making Your Dream a Reality. Ie. how to stop making them just a fantasy.

Check back here in the next few days for the first post in the series. Let’s make our dreams a reality and not just a forgotten wish.

For free updates on how to live your dreams subscribe to Illuminated Mind.

People spend vast amounts of time (and sometimes their whole life) wrestling with their minds, trying to figure out if their dreams are practical or ridiculous. Eventually most people give up, because they simply couldn’t make a decision.

The single biggest reason for unaccomplished goals and unfulfilled dreams, is the lack of ability to make a serious commitment. How many times in your life have you not done what you wanted to do, simply because you couldn’t make up your mind?

Putting yourself on auto-response (which I will explain in a minute) is about finding the means to silence your practical mind’s constant decision weighing and follow your heart, no matter how terrifying it may seem.

Most people know what their ideal life would look like. Most people know what they want and how the life of their dreams would look, feel and taste.

So if everyone knows what they want, what stops people from achieving their dreams? What could possibly stop them from leaving a dead end job and dropping unwanted commitments? It’s not that they don’t know what they want, they just don’t know how to get there.

The Myth That Broken Dreams Are Caused by a Lack of Belief in Yourself

Their is a common myth pervading the lifestyle design space that says: “The number one reason people don’t accomplish their dreams is because of a lack of courage and a shortage of self-confidence.” In short, the myth claims that people would follow their dreams, but they just don’t have the guts and self-trust to do so.

I, personally, think this is wrong. People don’t need more courage, confidence, or trust in their ideas. They know, deep down, that they can do it. They just don’t know how.

The problem is that your heart says, “Go for it, follow your dreams,” while your mind says, “How the hell do you think you’re actually going to make that happen?”

Despite your best intentions to listen your heart and follow your dreams, it’s not that easy to silence that big booming voice of practicality in your mind. All of this is even more daunting when you’re at project liberation: Ground Zero. (It’s hard to ignore the 7,000 feet you have yet to climb.)

I know what you’re thinking and it’s the same thing I’ve been contemplating since I started chasing the crazy idea of personal freedom: How do you overcome the voice of “reason” while trying to follow your dreams? How do you get pasts that intimidating feeling when you’re staring up from sea level at the summit? Let’s be honest, too: it wouldn’t be so bad either if you’ve actually climbed before, but you’ve barely learned to crawl.

So the way we overcome the screaming voice of practicality is:

Putting Yourself on Auto-Response

Putting yourself on auto-response means silencing your practical mind, in the face of the seemingly unpractical and ridiculous ideas. Faced with liberating your life, instead of thinking “I don’t know where to start,” your auto-response becomes “I’ll figure it out.”

This is especially useful when:

• You want to start your own business and you’re terrified of failure.
• You are tired of living your life based on a pre-assigned template.
• You want to quit your dead end job, but you don’t have a leg to stand on.
• You are ready to denounce your membership with the Cult of Productivity.
• You want to disengage from the cubicle machine (somethings wrong with your cog), but you don’t want to be homeless.
• You want to end the rat race and stop climbing the corporate ladder (and sacrificing your happiness).
• You’ve barely broken ground to start laying the foundation for your dreams.
• [insert your objective here]

Putting yourself on auto-response means you stop thinking about it and you start doing. You stop saying I don’t know. (Because we have all found ourselves saying “I’ve been thinking about starting my own business” or “I’ve been thinking about pursuing [insert what you love here].”) You correct things later and make it up as you go along. You act like you know what you’re doing, when in reality, you have no idea. You stop caring about not knowing.

You also stop caring about:

• Having an acceptable answer to the question “What do you do?“
• Being defined by the work you do and start caring more about the purpose of your work.
• Sufficing the idea that you need to complete prerequisites A and B before you can move on to C. You don’t necessarily need a degree in business to start one. You don’t necessarily need to have been a wilderness ranger before you decide to live off the grid.
• Failing and falling on your face. Eventually, though, you’ll probably learn how to create controlled falls and take calculated risks.
• Spending years (or a lifetime) in drudgery for future-promised happiness (ie. retirement).

Putting yourself on auto-response gives you the daily grit to keep plugging away when you’re tired and wondering if all this struggle is really worth it. It allows you to keep in perspective the reason for your constant pursuit of freedom from unwanted commitments. Most importantly it helps me remember that I’m doing this to serve my own goals (my own purpose) and not someone else’s.

Most of all, it allows your heart to have a say when confronted with the deafening voice of shoulds and social norms. It helps you keep things in perspective, when you have a long path to travel before your dreams are realized.

The End of The Internal Tug of War

There is a major conflict in our society between our mind and our heart. We struggle between what we love doing (our heart) and what we know is practical (our mind). Your practical mind is so loud that your heart –despite it’s screaming and flailing — can’t drown it out. But the goal isn’t to shut one of the two up. The goal is to harmonize them.

I have been reflecting a lot about what liberation means, whether it’s something you find out there, or if it’s something that comes from within. It hasn’t been an easy road for me trying to find balance between my heart and my mind. What has helped me more than anything is not finding more confidence, but having an unshakable commitment to pursuing only authentic endeavors.

True liberation to me is a labor of impeccability with myself and constant realignment when I wander off the course of authenticity. It’s the liberation from a culture that always puts happiness in the future. It’s short-cutting bliss and going directly to the source… not at some future date that never seems to arrive.

Right now I’m currently working towards someone else’s goals to pay the bills. It’s damn hard to keep the daily resolution to keep working toward owning my own business and achieving a goal that, quite frankly, I may never realize. The truth is, though, I would rather be striving toward that ideal my entire life and never see it realized, then surrender to live searching for some false sense of security (and to merely survive).

So what’s the point of all this?

The pursuit of liberation is the pursuit of a completely authentic life. It’s being fully in control of your life and your time. It’s freedom from the expectations of society, of the people around you. It’s freedom from your mind.

Liberation and lifestyle design means different things to different people. There is no “one size fits all” answer. The whole point of lifestyle design is: you are the architect of your life

Note: Liberation means something different to everyone. I would to hear your thoughts on what liberation means to you and what you’re doing to liberate your life.

For more myth-busting advice on liberation your life subscribe to Illuminated Mind.

We spend a lot of time trying to break bad habits and replace them with new, positive ones. But how do we expect to break bad habits when we’ve said “I do” to them?

We may consciously be trying to break these habits, but sub-consciously we’re reaffirming our “vows” to them day after day.

Whether or not you’ve been married or have gone through a divorce, we’ve all experienced a breakup with a partner or the loss of a friend. Some of the relationships I’ve had I knew were unhealthy and needed to end, but I held on because I didn’t want to experience the pain of the breakup.

But how do you know if you’ve inadvertently married your bad habits?

Here are 5 signs that you’ve said “until death do we part.”

1. Breaking up has become an obsession.

Common sense would tell us that if we really want to break a bad habit, we need to spend lots of energy focusing on it and willing it away. Has this ever really worked for you? It hasn’t for me. I’ll tell you why.

The more time we spend obsessing over the habits we want to break, the more energy we’re feeding them. One common example is quitting smoking. Let’s say you’re obsessed with quitting smoking. It’s all you can think about. Day after day, hour after minute after second you tell yourself “I quit,” “This is my last cigarette,” or “I’m cutting down, I’m going to ween myself off of smoking. This is it.”

Logic would tell us that all this energy we’re putting into “quitting” would propel us toward breaking the habit. However, what’s really happening is we’re reinforcing the attachment to smoking every time we have this personal dialogue. Instead we should change our dialogue to “I breathe easily,” “my lungs are clean and healthy,” or “I have control over my actions.” Now we’re reinforcing the positive effect we want, instead of the negative.

If we go back to the analogy of the relationship, we can easily see why this is so important. If you’re in an abusive relationship and your thoughts are centered on ending the abuse, you’re still focused on abuse. Your thoughts are constantly re-affirming it. If you change your thoughts to health, love, and acceptance, now you’re opening the doors for change.

2. Making up is easier than breaking up.

Another paramount reason we have trouble breaking bad habits is that we’ve formed such a strong relationship with them. Anytime we think about our life without our habit, there’s internal resistance (I’ll elaborate on this in the next 3 points.)

Letting go is one of the hardest parts of breaking an old habit because we identify ourselves with it so much.

Instead of focusing on the loss of your obsession (because if we’re going to be honest, that’s what it really is) focus on what you’ll gain. Focus on the new healthy habits that you can replace them with. Instead of focusing on the pain of letting go of your obsession, focus on all of the benefits that “breaking up” will bring.

3. My relationship defines me.

One of the biggest reasons we have trouble letting go of old habits is that we identify ourselves with them. Just as you identify yourself in many ways with your social status, your job, values, character, you identify yourself with negative habits as well. If you’re a smoker you not only identify yourself as one, but you identify with all of the associations smokers have as well. Perhaps you think that smoking makes you look cool or makes you seem interesting. Many people also identify their smoking with creativity.

To stop our tendency of identifying with our habits, we can instead identify with our values. We can see that the things we do, don’t necessarily define us. Our sense of self will be defined by our principles, not by our position or our habits. This is essential to letting go.

4. I’ll lose my security blanket.

Attachment is the effect of identifying with our habits. Identifying ourselves with our habits we naturally become attached

Many abusive relationships continue because of attachment. They identify with the relationship and feel if it ends, part of them ends too. If our sense of self is found in our values, instead of the constantly changing terrain of our lives, we can learn to let go. Our identity is safe no matter what turns or curves our life takes.

Are you waiting to end your relationship with your bad habits simply because you’re afraid of letting go?

5. I don’t want to be alone.

The last sign that you’ve married your bad habits is you feel empty without it. I chose this as the last point because it’s about transition, moving from the old to the new. Many people resist change because they feel if they let go, they will be left with a void in their life.

It’s true to a certain extent, the feeling of emptiness is a part of loss. Many people resist breaking ties with their old ways because they’d rather have the comfort of unhealthy habits then experience loss.

When we divorce our bad habits, we need to create new and healthy ones in their places. Not create a life that’s a featureless blank. The problem with this is many people have become so habituated in their ways they couldn’t even imagine what something different would look like. If you’ve been in an abusive relationship with yourself your whole life, it will be very hard for you to imagine what a loving non-judgmental relationship would feel like.

In order to create new, healthier habits in the place of old life-sucking ones, we need to have courage. We need to be unafraid to explore new ways of living. It will take time to re-identify yourself with your new lifestyle (allowing yourself to mourn and taking the time to say goodbye is a healthy process.)

We form relationships with our habits just as we do our parents, partners and friends. Sometimes it’s hard to tell why we can’t let go, when all we seem to do is distance ourselves. Hell, I moved from Los Angeles to Seattle and I still went back to my ex.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I couldn’t let go because I had become so attached. In the same way, I would try to break it off with my bad habits but still came crawling back. It’s like my habits were a giant magnet and the more I tried to pull away, the more I was attracted back to it.

What I didn’t know is that my obsession with the habit was actually the magnet itself.

Breaking ties with old habits isn’t easy. It takes guts to let go when you’ve formed a close relationship with your problems. You’ll probably experience some separation anxiety.

When it’s over you may look back in fondness at the bad habits you used to have, you might even realize they were there to teach you something. They helped you realize the life that you needed to lead.

You may even realize that your problems were opportunities to grow in disguise.

If you enjoyed this article, please digg, stumble or share with one of the other links below. Thank you for your support, it is truly appreciated.